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2. What line was crossed? Simply put, my authority. I am not an excuse, and refuse to be so treated.
3. Draw the line. Find a witness to my authority, and prerogative.
4. Practice. Working upon it…
Keep your words, don’t be lazy, sloppy, or the like.
Follow our our rules for conflict resolution.
Following this article.
I intend to enforce my boundaries, and make no apologies, so doing, and unprocessed “anger” strikes me as just a convenient cop out, to deny validating me.
I’m especially furious with all who have failed to help me resolve this via supporting my aggression response.
All anger aside, I have a right/duty to hold my mother accountable, and refuse to forego it, and why should I? I’ve never found a reason to, and that is the truth. NVCers have failed to empathize with–or validate–my authority, and I really don’t get why.
Every time I express my claim, I really don’t get good results, but I don’t see any good reason not to run over my family’s boundaries, given what is at stake, and I have right of way.
I do not get what the sticking point is. To let go with is to say that it is wrong to EVER be forceful, and I simply do no see that. To forgive is to say that I have no rights, NO boundaries, and do not deserve any.
Ergo, to forgive is kick myself in the teeth, and acknowledge that I am a worm. I am fighting for principle, though, and can’t see otherwise.
Maybe I should describe my boundaries, and their boundaries, per my understanding , simply give no right to ignore my authority.
4. Cost. I lost a lot of trust, both in myself, and others. I’ve fought this with my family in large part on principle, and if not entirely on principle, then for as much as it is, I refuse to have it disrespected. NVCers cannot advocate violence, but there is no clear dividing line between me, and my family, and without any ownership of who or what I am, I cannot move, but drift.
I have a collapsed parasympathetic nervous system, and got that in the name of “mercy.” I didn’t want to hurt my family, but all efforts to communicate nonviolently haven’t worked, so far, and it seems I’ve wasted quite a lot of time, energy, and money on a failed cause.
I just want understanding; I haven’t found much. I haven’t given up on duty or self-sacrifice, but I sometimes wish I had. Given my hangups, yes, they caused, or allowed me to learn of focus on things I otherwise would not, but I count that minimal. Sacrifice, if worth itself, is the reward itself, and I regret it not. I believe in giving, even if unrequited.
5. I intend to deny my mother communion; it fits worthily as aggression, and striking a toy seems unfair. I strike my apartment enough, as is.
7. Trying to.
3. Significant Emotional Statement
Reading, teaching, training
1989 Ring; leadership weakness, hospital
1991 Start of genuine strain
1995 Ongoing aggravation
1999 Deffingbaughs, party reneging.
2003 “Shutup” reprise
2005 Useless; intensification
2007 Return to take care of Grandma, along with “forgiving,” followed by numbness.
2012 Leading to her.
2013 Reunion Trips
I apologize for being a dead weight at get-togethers.
I apologize for being contrary and manipulative.
i apologize for calling you a “bitch.”
I apologize for dropping Chris.
I apologize for being a bad leader.
i apologize for my tantrums, and immaturity.
I apologize blaming youfor things that were not yer fault.
I apologize for putting you on the spot.
i apologize for being a wretched elder son.
I apologize for being so inflexible, and embarrassing the family.
I forgive you for your bad leaderhsip.
I forgive you for repeated betrayals.
I forgive you for making ordersyou didn’t enforce, like “shutup.”
I forgive you for lying or whatever over Harlock.I forgive you for reneging over the Deffinbaughs.
I forgive you for being a bitch.
I forgive your irrational stubbornnness.
I forgive you for not talking to a therapist.
I love your dedication to teaching, and self-sacrifice.
I was touched by your college send-off.
I’ve enjoyed our reunion adventures.
I enjoy you.
Thank you for the MCCS experience.
Fighting over “shut up” is all about establishing control, within my life: that is a gol I have staked both my honor, and self-respect for.
Mom, I choose to strike you down–not because I hate you, but because I care, and care about myself, as well as you. I do this to free myself of guilt ‘n shame, as well as you. God bless you. I may hurt you, but even so, you are free, and I am free–amen!
What I can control is going to see my family. I can also forgive, or I can also press charges, and the latter is what I CHOOSE to do…
I apologize for being such a jerk; I’m hard to live with.
I apologize for dropping you.
I apologize for being a bad elder brother.
I apologize for egging you on via Braves, Cowboys.
I forgive you for lying; I forgive you for hurting mom.
I forgive your cowardice, as well as your distrust of me.
I forgive you for “just not getting it.”
I don’t hate you; I truly love you.
I deeply regret dropping yas, and also kicking Jan, that time.
I wish I’d been a better brother to you.
I like watching you play Nintendo.
I really DO want a better relationship.
1981 I dropped him.
1987 “Stop crying.”
1989 Coudn’t get help from Mom.
1991, World series, shoe.
1994-1998 More fights, ongoing tension.
1998 Make up after a really LARGE fight.
2002 Handshake on the stairs.
2003 He reneges.
2005 Scene at Grandma’s
2006 Jan’s wedding; she leaves.
2015 Playing games as Vic’s
Showing things to Alisha on the Internet
Forgive: “To cease feeling resentment against an offender.”
Condone: “To treat as if trivial, harmless, or of no importance.”
1984 (circa) Lost balloon.
1986 Dad’s appendicitis
1987 Dad dies.
1988 Leave Portland
1989 Street corner embarrassment
1991 Dodgers lose pennant race.
1992 Isolation sinks in; lonely.
1993 Start of betrayal with mother.
1994 Hung-up on.
1995 Started seeking distractions.
2001 Grandpa dies.
2005 Couldn’t find help.
2012 Uncle Troubles with Rebecca
2013 Nursery; showing things to Alisha on the Internet
2017 Fully on the outs, with everyone.
I’m angry over how I was raised in my teens.
I’m angry that nobody helped.
I’m angry that Chris wasn’t punished. 3
I’m angry that I haven’t been heard by my family.
I’m angry about what Glen, Ryan, and others did.
Victor’s starting to ANNOY me.
I feel hemmed in, and frustrated.7
I don’t like being lied to by mom, Chris.
i’m angered by those that don’t keep their word.9
Lack of reliability in others angers me.
Grandma ticked me off. 11
I didn’t like how that cop kicked me off Evergreen.
My authority wasn’t validated. That angers…
I dislike sloppy logic.14
I want genuine engagement with my questions.
“Mercy”=whitewash, or seems to be.
Pressure to legitimize the sins of others is infuriating.17
I refuse to apologize for being angry over good reasons.
Effectively, I had the right to press charges.19
I’ve kept my word, and got blindsided; I don’t want that to happen again.20
I wanna be encouraged every time I take risks getting what I want.
What you say.
Look, Philip, you need to forgive. I know you’re angry, and I know that your family hurt you. That said, it is wrong to seek revenge, and wrong to get even.
What I hear.
You’re wrong to be angry, Philip.
You say: I love you.
I hear: My love is conditional on you doing what I ask! I also don’t care about your logic or feelings, either.
You say: I want you to trust me.
I hear: I neither trust, nor respect, nor even try to hear what you’re saying!
Well, ladies and germs, this is my attempt to communicate to my mother, and if you don’t like it, then please grant me suggestions on how to revise it. I’m trying to convince her to come to therapy, and this is me doing the best I know to convince her.
Mom, I’m again asking you to come to therapy, and I don’t know how else to do it. Could you please help me do that? We need help communicating, and I don’t anymore believe in you. I want to see that there’s way forward, but I just don’t see it!
We need to each be owning our parts of the relationship, and I want to do that; you may not trust me, mom, but do I trust you? No I don’t! Instead, let’s work on our mutual trust issues, together.
Look. At the very least, it would make me happy, and it doesn’t need be as far ar Vashon, but I am serious.
Didn’t say much there, did I? It was an effort. Four paragraphs, counselor. Wite ’em down, and I’ll read ’em to her. I want to see your effort helping me, and not critiquing me!
For the record, here is an old attempt, an old email, that failed to connect:
Benchmarks. I want benchmarks, Mom. Show you’re committed to keeping your word, and following through, at discomfort to yourself, if necessary. You BETRAYED me in the past–you made commitments, specifically to enforce against “shut up” and you never did, not once, per as I recall.
If you really wish to earn my trust, you need to prove you’d not betray me like you did, via your abashed, sloppy–negligence–that, or explain why my logic is incorrect. You have yet to acknowledge that what you did then was utterly contemptible, and shameful.
The principle is keeping your word. You can’t accept that you didn’t, and that is the issue. You raised me on the understanding that once a book was on the books you enforce it, and to this day, you’re in denial. You’ve never apologized, never taken responsibility, recognizing that by making rules, that was a two-way street, I don’t see any reason not to .
You say that you love God, but by denying I’m right you despise him, making yourself a hypocrite. You complain about my anger towards God, but by denying me, you deny Him, so stop whining; your rules box yourself in, so admit it.
I’m not evil, but if I am, why resist? You had full options opof modifying or rescinding your rules, but chose NOT to; left them on the books for several years, and I must’ve brought up Chris what, forty fifty times.
The issue for me is principle, not revenge, and if it is for you, then I cite to you Christ’s command, about not resisting him who is evil.
For me, it is about respecting me simply because I am right, and that reason alone. I am your friend, mom, and for that reason alone, I intend to beat you over the head with your duties, at least until you acknowledge they’re real.
Mom, the Bible calls for mutual submissiion, yes? well, if so, you’ve certainly not submitted to either me, or it. You’ve NEVER tried to convince me that my logic is wrong, just TOLD me, and I simply don’t respect anything so sloppy.
If you’re to truly earn my trust, we’ll need a theologian involved, because I simply think you real worm. If you were serious about Scripture, you’d have handled it differently, and recognized, that I genuinely think you to be a hypocrite in how you handled this.
Every time you complain about my spiritual attitude, you remind me what a dog you are, really. I’m not making this up! I can’t BELIEVE just how cavalier you are, about TRUTH, and I MEAN it!
So? Let me recap: To restore fellowship, repent of your deriliction of duty, and set up measurable benchmarks of your good intentions to NEVER again repeat such behavior. The principle is EVERYTHING to me!
It’s either that, or repent of raising me to take the Bible seriously.
The attunement/abuse game…
I’ve been coping with miss-attunement since childhood…
Roleplaying: Heart & loneliness.
My mother’s a hypocrite–agree…?
I keep signaling I’m willing to risk rejection…
Fight hyperarousal with biofeedback.
Shrinks must handle my rage.
Expect I not that my mother shall listen…
I write, in order to explain to any prospective therapist, what I’m expecting of you. If you are going to assist, then, at a minimum, if you’re not willing, or able, to provide direct assistance, then I expect you to provide explicit moral support for my actions.
Really, what I’m now seeking is to engage my family by proxy, given direct interaction with them has failed, and now I’m sending a therapist, or someone else, to rapproche them on my behalf because, for one, I’m burned out. I don’t think they’ll listen to me, so I’m sending someone else to risk rejection, and at this point am none too interested in being convinced to try again myself, “but differently.” I’ve already tried that, many times, and it hasn’t panned out. If talking is too painful, well you distance yourself, then reengage–which I’m trying to do, non-reactively, and don’t want be blamed by the shrink if I fail; hey, I’ve failed already, and plenty–I’m not doing this to shirk blame.
Why this? Well, as I’ve explained elsewhere upon this site, I am suffering Preoccupied Attachment Trauma, and, if I’m going to find any value at all in talk therapy, then I’m going to do so by finding moral support in taking action. Attachment Trauma has led to dissociation, and in particular emotional numbness, and that in particular is what I’m seeking help overcoming. I simply refuse to “forgive” my mother by rejecting myself to get accepted by her and others, only to not be truly accepted by them, even so; no I find it best to to accept myself at the expense of her’s, and others’ rejection.
I wish had a book focusing on numbness,. given how it’s been variously dubbed as being emotionally frozen, emotionally numb, emotionally blunting, a chronic “freeze response,” “flatlining”–dissociated, learned helplessness, apathy, represed anger, alexithymia, anhedonia, and, I’m sure, more. I just feel zero drive, or passion, and a lack of endorphins, but whatever you call it, there’s very little literature, upon the subject. Mostly, I feel unable to express any boundaries, or have them respected.
Most helpful though, was Healing Developmental Trauma by Laurence Heller, progenitor of NARM therapy. Of particular importance is Chapter 8, on page 125: Understanding the Connection Survival Style. It discusses not just my trauma tendencies, but also their antidotes, but more pointedly, it brings up dissociation. I went numb back in 2006-2007, in the cycle described, on pg 131–I sensed threat, had a “high arousal,” a “thwarted fight response,” dissociation, emotional detachment, emotional numbing, a lot of acting in-out of aggression, and finally, “diminished aliveness.” Above all, you see, what has held me back, is I just don’t see any way forward, and that is what I seek help finding.
My exact experience is a little atypical, given the shutdown was in my twenties, not as a child, but the adult experience of the Connection Survival Style is explained well on page 140. Shutdown’s no fun, but as this video shows, there is method to dealing with repressed anger, as it starts discussing, around its fifty-minute mark.
In page 151, there’s a box entitled The Distortions of Healthy Aggression; unmet core needs lead to frustration, leading to protest, followed by anger, which in turn becomes “overwhelming,” leading it to be either acted in or out–hardly becoming a grown man, dare I say.
Healing for this comes in the form of channeling this anger into “healthy aggression,” which I’m trying to achieve, via moral/therapeutic help. Any therapist of mine must be prepared to focus primarily on unblocking my feelings, especially my anger, and on that, I won’t swerve.
I’d try them first, but, given I’ve no NARMer near me, I’m just seeking a therapist willing to help me assert my “healthy aggression,” per Heller’s work. I need an expert prepared to help re-associate me with my own emotions, and can particularly honor, and respect–my aggression.
Instead of unconsciously, or semi-consciously, trying to cycle through the loop, let’s channel my aggression explicitly, and in a thoughtful, disciplined manner. People have asked me, “Philip, why don’t you just go on, and live your life?”
Well, lemme place it this way: I want “revenge,” or whatever you wish to call it. I intend to hold my mother accountable, and expect respect for my decision to do so. I’m not an excuse, and could use a witness to further my claims, more qualified and explicit the better.
I don’t expect her to acknowledge I’m right, but I’m going to confront her in a non-outcome-dependent manner, and hopefully, find escape from this moribund stasis that’s bedeviled me nigh a decade. I’m going to crater her beliefs, because they’re wrong, just as a lot of other well-meaning folks, to boot.
You negotiate with enemies, and thus I shall treat my family–I also intend to ask for more than I’ll get, and am prepared to walk. Beyond that, I’ve been told I’m seeking counselors to do “my job” for me, but intstead, I’m seeking scaffolding aid from counselors, per the literature on developmental and attachment trauma.
Hopefully, what I say makes sense; with my family, I’ll take a siege, if nothing else. You could, ideally, make, say, three phone calls on my behalf a week to various parties, back up my claims; otherwise, you will need to be far more explicit in recognizing my claims.
Beyond that, therapists are primarily bound by the contours of HIPPA legislation, which makes it hard for therapists to contact others, or act as agents, or something akin to it, for their clients. I don’t know a way around this, but for the sake of my well being, I’m looking, maybe in the form of a mediator, or someone else–someone not bound by it, or else some loophole therein the law itself.
Any case, this is my method to mental health; I expect aid of others, to see if it works, involving social support and encouragement, per the best understanding of psychiatry today, and am quite anxious to see if my way doesn’t just succeed.
Shrinks, many times, you have asked me to “forgive” my mother, but If you wish me to forgive her, then rebuke her, if you truly think her wrong! Asking me to “forgive” implies wrong doing on her part, but that just doesn’t register on my ricter as validation, or, alternatively, deal with what my anger is pointing to. It needs to be more direct, basically–NO lip service to fury.
I don’t expect you to do my job, but I do expect you to scaffold.
I can channel aggression into negotiation.
What I’ve asked, in the past; roadblocks.
The trouble with HIPPA.
I. What I want.
Bring meditation to my mother–this is war! Non-outcome determination.
I expect rejection!
Refusal to help hurts.
if you be on my side, then share my pains…
What I want someone to say…
What’d you hear me say…?
What’d you hear me say…?
You’re validating me, and my logic–key to handling trauma.
The only way I can see effort.from you.
I need a mediator or a mouthpiece negotiator an advocate.
You negotiate with enemies, and thus treat the family–I also intend to ask for more than I’ll get and am prepared to walk.
I don’t expect you to do my job, but I do expect you to scaffold.
I can channel aggression into negotiation.
No, I don’t expect you to do my job, but you do your job.
I’ll take a siege. I’m looking to see effort from you mom.When I say “distrust” I mean that Greg may have fallen short did he reject the rigors of the gold standard for floating point? I’m gonna have fun hurting her. Deem my aggression as service. Forgiveness isn’t helpful. Help me channel my aggression, and I’ll cooperate.
You want me to volunteer? roleplay mother and counselors.
I keep wanting to set boundaries out of a desire to escape my emotional enmeshment to my family, lash out at least verbally, get criticized and told to forgive, collapse internally, get again aggravated by my enmeshed state, and the whole thing starts over.
I believe in duty, but it is such an obligation; I use Scripture offensively to get others to back off, but they don’t seem to understand that they’re attacking me for wanting to separate from my mother and family, AT ALL.
I’m trying to channel healthy aggression, but I seek help getting it validated…
What I want from others is that it is okay to be angry at my mother–I simply don’t see it! I’ve given a text of what it looks like to me, but others haven’t been very helpful, in validation…
Look. I’ve been trying to find a counselor in line with this book (how do I hyperlink…?: https://www.amazon.com/Healing-Developmental-Trauma-Self-Regulation-Relationship/dp/1583944893/ref=pd_rhf_dp_s_cp_2?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=1583944893&pd_rd_r=XGA6G4AX176VNA1E841J&pd_rd_w=JaWo6&pd_rd_wg=KRjPm&psc=1&refRID=XGA6G4AX176VNA1E841J
Of particular importance, is Chapter 8, on page 125: Understanding the Connection Survival Style. In it, it discusses my trauma tendencies, and also their antidotes, but in particular, it brings up dissociation. How did I get so dissociated, well, I did so back in 2006-2007, in the cycle described, on pg 131–I sensed threat,, had a “high arousal,” a “thwarted fight response,” dissociation, emotionl numbing, lot of acing in-out of aggression, and finally, “diminished aliveness.”
My exact experience is a little atypical, given the shutdown was in my twenties, not as a child, but adult experience of the Connection Survival Style is done well, on page 140. I’ve been called an “askhole,” on this forum, but I want to get better, and here I’m showing my research, and that I’m actually applying a roadmap; shutdown’s not fun, but as this video shows, there is method to dealing with repressed anger, as it starts discussing, around the fifty-minute mark:
All my anger, and frustration, is bound up, basically, in relational difficulties, and that needs to be sorted out, which the book points out, in pages 150-151. In page 151, there’s a box entitled The Distortions of Healthy Aggression. Unmet core needs lead to frustration, leading to protest, followed by anger, which in turn becomes “overwhelming,” leading it to be either acted in or out.
Unlike most adults with the Connection Style, I know I’m angry, and not just a little but very. Healing for this comes in the form of thanneling this anger into the form of healthy aggression,” which I’m trying to work on.
I’ve been accused of being inappropriate in my language, but please realize, I’m seeking to channel my aggression, healthily, and find vindication, and validation, in so doing. Trouble is, I’ve nound a lot of help, and wind up triggering others unintentionally, for which I apologize.
Forgiveness, in context, is rude, because it isn’t an expression of aggression; it will only augment dissociation, do you see? It isn’t about setting up boundaries, or anything.
I hope this clears the air.
I think I can be more forgiving with myself, if we can see my choice to demand my mother submit as loving, or whatever, not automatically unforgiving. I don’t see it as an act of unforgiveness, because I genuinely think it for her good, and would love if others would help convey this to her, as well as endorse this, for me.
Here’s an old email exchange between me and my mother, which hopefully sheds light on my unmet needs. Also, when I hear people telling me I should “forgive” implies guilt on my mother’s part, but that is not the same as actively helping me confront my mother. As long as I see “forgive” as “don’t care,” I’m gonna reject that…
Subject: What I’m After
Date: Thu, 21 Jan 2016 04:50:24 +0000
Look–if you’re not willing to admit I have reason to be angry with you, there really is no point discussing with you. I have my reasons, and if you’re not willing to engage them, well, so be it.
Subject: RE: What I’m After
Date: Thu, 21 Jan 2016 08:00:06 -0800
This is is a (slightly revised) copy of the text I emailed local elder Ron Snow in the wake of my confrontation of Pastor Lem Leaf, with Ron present, which was a commentary on the basic text I used to rebuke Lem. I’ll never forget Ron’s slight smile, (smirkish, maybe? ) as he walked away, saying, “I see no sin, here.” I sent the following, some days later, after an unsatisfactory talk with Ron, one-on-one. Don’t have the exact that I sent this, but oh well:
Ron, upon much reflection, I must respectfully make your job just a little bit more difficult. You understandably don’t wish to pass judgment on my logic and Lem’s, but I can’t let this go until you do. This is a point of both honor and principle for me, and will not rest till closure is reached, yet it need not drag on, and hope for all involved that it won’t.
Lem, I daresay I have grounds to be mad at you, given you don’t respect the Scripture. When I ask a question, or series of questions, I expect them to be duly respected, but they haven’t and here’s why they ought.
No, my motives aren’t divine, but guess what? They don’t need to be! I expect you to answer with due regard, and you need to acknowledge that I am not an excuse.
This really is about respect for me, Ron. In our meeting, Lem was trying to show respect, saying he thought my writngs genius in one breath, and complicated in the next, which was his way of avoiding my criticisms in the politest way he knew. All he needed to do was simply ask for mercy, yet he did not do it, did he?
He, and most of my other counselors, would lecture me over how what a great mother I had (and I do) but respect leads both ways, and per Respect 101, when you do something wrong, you ask forgiveness; somehow, they’d be giving her a free pass, and they never seemed to explain how they weren’t hypocrites for doing that.
I genuinely think I’m entitled to a request for forgiveness, but not Lem, nor Chris, nor Mom has sought my mercy. All this reviling me for being merciless in this light smacks of a copout, Ron, and if you can reach a different conclusion, I ‘ll be shocked. I don’t think they’re interested in repentance, Ron, but at least my contempt for such can be validated.
Hate them? Think I not, but all the same I do despise them, and see nothing unBiblical about that. Disagree? By all means, explain. Bible’s against wrath, but contempt, disgust? Different, and I think sidestepping deserves it.
When I ask a question, Lem, have three motives—revenge, integrity, and justice. Let’s be clear, Lem—I like to ask questions designed to hurt your ego—painfully. Forcing you between a rock and a hard spot gives me immense, pleasure, and I won’t deny it.
My second motive is my personal integrity, and that comes out of a deep personal distaste for the sloppy, in all forms. I see in you, Lem, a deep disregard for Scripture and its implications, and that makes me see red.
Last, but not least, Lem, I query because I care about justice, moral absolutes. I want to see them honored, irregardless of personalities.
When I ask a question, you see, I have three good reasons for you to answer it: On behalf of justice, given it is fair per Scripture, common sense, the Golden Rule, and letting your yes be yes, and your no, no; on behalf of integrity, because it honors my own personal convictions, which ought be duly recognized when congruent with greater principles, and, of course, Scripture; and lastly, on behalf of vengeance for reasons I will now explain.
Like I said, Lem, I had three motives–revenge, justice, and integrity, but you un-Biblically held my worst (and very human) motive against me, citing planks in eyes, and the like. Why, Lem? What is more evil than revenge?
The Scripture says not to resist him who is evil, and it is relevant here because I sought for validation and justice, yet you ignored them, throwing the baby out with the bath water, citing said planks in eyes, and the like, as grounds to evade questions. “Should they have done that?” “Philip, you need to forgive.” Lem, as you will recall, that led in part to a wrath that you labeled “murderous.” By disobeying, Lem, and resisting evil, you made me angrier still, which wasn’t good in any number of ways.
But why not resist evil, Lem? Well, we are supposed to to be edifying with our words, Lem. My motive for slugging your logic is, in due part, to edify you by not letting you get away with sloppy. Intended or not, Lem, your evasions were anything but helpful, and un-edifying to me, emotionally wounding in the worst way, convincing me you didn’t care about being scripturally correct, and the like. Eye-planked or not, Lem, I’ve still had the courtesy to answer your subject-changing questions, unlike you, and think it only fair that you did likewise, because take it from me, whatever your motives, evading didn’t edify.
Resisting, in the presence of of others, only compounds your sin, doesn’t it Lem? “Look at Pastor Lem–he’s doing it! Rebelin’ resistin’ disrespect–can’t be wrong, can it?” Wrong example, Lem, and certainly unedifying.
Hope you think, at the least, that my litany of charges make sense, but at the bottom of it, closure can take make many forms. For instance, simply agreeing with a series of principles can work. Just agreeing, for instance, that making rules you don’t enforce is flat-out wrong, and if someone calls you on it, you’re obligated, full stop.
Lem seems to have hinted there were mitigating circumstances for my mother, but never articulated them. Smells of obfuscation, to me, and I hate obfuscation.
You said, Ron, that when we met met together, Lem hadn’t done anything wrong; on reflection, I dunno. He seemed to imply that my pornography issues mattered, or somehow absolved, at least in part, some of bite of my charges, even if true, but that runs against the example of the Garden of Eden, doesn’t it?
Dunno what you think, but Lem was making a bit of a straw Man argument, and I find it weak. I’m not perfect, but I refuse to be used as an excuse to justify the sins of others. I elaborate on that point below:
The second reason not to resist evil because even God Himself cannot go against His own rules set up in accordance with His nature. But why are those rules in place, Lem? Well, considering that I also want recognition and justice, and you used revenge to ignore them, I think that goes a long way to explain why God’s rules function as they do.
Recall the Garden of Eden? According to your counseling logic, Lem, God should have given mankind a free pass thanks to Satan’s manipulation, but no–sin is sin, and all personal sin is individual, regardless of the scenario. All culprits of the piece, Adam, Eve, and the Serpent, were punished–individually, and no one was ignored.
Satan succeeded by following the rules, which God essentially acknowledged, and if God submits to Satan’s application of the rules, how much more ought we? Satan’s not an excuse for rebellion, and neither is temptation.
Suppose, Lem, for the sake of argument, that revenge has always been my only motive. Your duty to submit remains, Lem. To defy your duty is to rebel, and as you know, rebellion is as the sin of divination. I don’t know about your lights but by mine, or in particular my reading of Scripture, you’ve been effectively commiting sins on par with witchcraft against both me and God.
Oh, and it gets worse, Lem; we’re supposed to avoid even the appearance of evil, and even if I’ve got a plank or not in my eye, the appearance of you respecting my prerogatives matters, and not in spite of the fact I see poorly, but precisely because I don’t. Otherwise, what to make out of God’s wrath at David, for his allowing Gentile kings to scoff? They almost certainly have bigger planks than David, after all?
All this is to say, once again, Lem, stop making excuses for evading my questions. Answer them, unequivocally, as I have striven to answer yours, and stop being a hypocrite. No, not all pleasure in pinning your ears back is Godly, but neither is it all sin—respect. Yes, my questions are hurtful, but hopefully in the best sense, like a friend’s wounds.
Hopefully, you will appreciate that.
What I Want
“Let him who stole, steal no more.” You’ve been wrongly treating me as an excuse, so stop it. If you didn’t judge my motives, Lem, I wouldn’t be calling you out on your hypocrisy, and we wouldn’t be where we are, are we? I am a sinful man, I get annoyed at the double standards of others, and now you see what I do about it.
Falling under the authority of Scripture is a ver stringent master, and if you want my mercy, then you’d blame well better ask, because all I see is I’m making you aware of your mistakes, and I’m getting angry at your unrepentance; my goal isn’t to flay you, see, in revenge terms–there’s a big difference.Basically, you’re doing the same thing that incensed me with my family growing up, and that’s picking and choosing Scripture when it suits. That makes it easy in a way, but logically, that justifies anything, and frankly such logic means I shouldn’t care about Scripture in any case
Ron, I know your job is to keep things discreet, but I expect to be validated, all the same. I don’t want to embarrass anyone, in particular, Lem, but all the same expect my principles to be recognized as right.
Growing up with my family, I got tired of being treated like a second rate citizen, and by the mid part of last decade, I had essentially developed post traumatic stress disorder. I was furious, but in keeping with Scripture, chose to confront. (The Scripture says parents aren’t to exasperate, and yes is to be yes, and your no, no, and oathbreaking is a serious offense.)
All I wanted, Lem, was validation of Scripture, that I am not an excuse for the sins of others–under any circumstances. neither my mother nor brother denied my claims, but basically asked, “So what?” The issue, of course, is that Scripture doesn’t grant excuses, not of any kind, and they were saying it was okay to be sloppy, be he who is unfaithful in little is so also in much. Yes, I wanted revenge, Lem, but I also wanted justice, and I also wanted to be Biblical.
And did I get support, Lem?
No–all you did was ignore Scripture Lem, and basically validate un-Biblical behavior. You basically said that I had no right to be angry, that I was responsible for not just my sins, but theirs, and that Scripture can be ignored. Coming from someone who says “you should be in submission,” and “Scripture is clear,” I find that laughable because I find Scripture to clearly defines you a hypocrite, and on relevant points gives no caveats, such as using one’s sins to ignore the sins of others.
Why? Let us say, for the sake of argument, that I baited my family. Let us say they gave in, and did so directly due to my baiting–what then? Are you going to give them a free pass because of me? If so, how can you square that with Scripture, Lem?
Recall the Garden of Eden? According to your logic, Lem, God should have given mankind a free pass thanks to Satan’s manipulation? No–sin is sin, and all personal sin is individual, regardless of the scenario. All culprits of the piece, Adam, Eve, and the Serpent, were punished individually, and no one was ignored.
Focusing on me at the exclusion of others was both un-Biblical, but also sloppy. Lem, the Scripture doesn’t say, “don’t exasperate, unless, of course, you’re a mother going through menopause with a crazy, aspergers son, and then you’re off the hook,” does it? Lem, just because fatigue makes us cowards, it doesn’t justify abrogation of commitment, does it? Well, pardon my French, Lem, but that’s precisely what you seem to be saying.
Like I said, Lem, I had three motives–revenge, justice, and integrity. Well, Lem, you un-Biblically held my first feeling against me, citing planks in eyes, and the like. Why, Lem? Well, what is more evil than revenge? The Scripture says not to resist him who is evil, and it is relevant here because I sought for validation and justice, yet you ignored them.
Lem, I count only three true friends, of which I count my mother as one, and the Scripture says the are friend’s wounds are faithful; yes I wanted to hurt her, yes, I wanted to want to reproof her, but in the best way possible–and yet you refused your duty, Lem.
Instead of speaking the Scriptures, you left them ignored–and distorted. Instead of holding bad leadership to account, you left it emboldened. That is worse than angering, Lem. Poor, ineffective eldest son that you may take me for, I still take my duties serious, whether or not you take yours.
Love my mother, though I may, given her past behavior, given her repeated disregard of Scripture, Lem, I must consequently respect her less. Sure, she still has some authority, but even so, she is stubborn, rebellious, and, to a certain degree, hardhearted; you say that I must be forgiving, but even so, I must be wary, Lem–wary, because she’s a proven hypocrite.
How much more wary must I be of you, Lem–a Pastor, no less, who gave such unrepentance sanction? You seem not to regard my opinion much, Lem, but dare I say, that’s yet another of your errors, given how Scripture says that even the appearance of evil is sin. Remember David and Bathsheba, how God was in due part mad because it gave Gentile kings opportunity to boast? You think those kings didn’t have bigger planks than David’s, Lem? Once again, Lem, I think the Scripture’s clear–care to elucidate on how it isn’t?
The bottom line Lem is your logic has proved you a blind guide, using it to strain a out a gnat (my attitude, which I have striven to be open and honest about) to swallow the camels of bad leadership and oathbreaking. Lem, this is a small thing, but don’t think it doesn’t matter, given how your verdict rebels against Scripture, and rebellion equates to the sin of divination–fail in little, fail in much, after all. Yes, Lem, I need to forgive you, just like my mother, but when it comes to trust, don’t you see how you need to re-earn mine, to say nothing of respect?
I certainly hope so, Lem; I certainly hope so.
Didn’t get no answer from Ron. Sent him the following emails:
To: Ron Snow
Subject: Of What I Want
Date: Tue, 3 Sep 2013 23:19:03 +0000
Well, Ron, I really think it best if we talked one-on-one in person. To wit, I want recogniton that I had good reason to be angry; Scripture was abused, I was guilt-tripped, and I frankly felt insulted. Instead of making me feel like a bum, I think I deserve a hug, if anything, but that’s not it. A whole lot of people have wronged me and the Bible remorselessly, and I expect recognition that such is wrong.
Such is closure, Ron; I doubt reconciliation is in order, but self-respect, peace of mind, and restored personal honor is.
Does that help explain your role? Let’s bury the the past, exorcise the demons, and be done with it.
To: Ron Snow
Subject: RE: Of What I Want
Date: Tue, 3 Sep 2013 23:34:35 +0000
Oh, and there’s also main (many) reasons for disagreeing with me, and I’d (like) to know, should you disagree, Which on(e) it’s over. Is it over my logic, or else the nature of the facts? It makes a difference, and such specificity both narrow, and clarify, the differences.
Again no response, and I was starting to guess why. Finally, I emailed:
Well, Sir, I can see your handiwork, and I sincerely hope that I have shown you due deference. If not, please forgive me, and that includes talking while you shook hands. I’m trying to learn how to talk with you, and hopefully I haven’t burned any bridges. Sunday ‘fore last, Lem went out of his way to shake my hand; I’ll assume it was your doing, because I emailed you in the preceding week, and not him. Again last Sunday, he proved quite deferential. Reading into silence is perilous, but in context, Sir, I think I understand you, rightly, or wrongly.
How about I meet Lem one on one?
And, finally, Ron:
From: Ron Snow
Sent from my iPhone
Never did answer my questions, did he? That’s what I wanted him to take a stand on–my fundamental understanding of Scriptural obligations. Me, of I’m of the opinion he wished not to admit my interpretation is right, and that’s the issue.
Hello–my name is Philip Carpenter of Shelton, Washington–unemployed, thirty-eight years young, possessor of only Medicare/Medicaid for ProviderOne insurance, and I have Adult Developmental/Attachment Trauma symptoms, in the Connection Survival Style or, alternatively, Preoccupied Attachment. I want to do things, but in the past, I’ve been kicked off three college campuses, two job centers, and just floated through life in fear of panic attacks, and chronic fatigue, but I’ve mostly overcome them.
Still more to the point, and the biggest trauma symptom I face holds various names, of which I sincerely wish had a book just focusing on it, especially. It’s been dubbed apathy, feeling “shutdown,” anhedonia, being emotionally numb, emotionally frozen, “flatlining”–dissociated, learned helplessness, and, I’m sure, more. I just feel zero drive, or passion, but whatever you call it, I’ve never found a whole book on it; mostly, though, I feel unable to express any boundaries, let alone have them respected.
As explained elsewhere, it was a long journey to get here, but what concerns me more is moving on from it. But to do that, we must first describe what has already been tried, friend therapist, and that is much, but above all, I have been asked by your predecessors to “forgive,” and therein is a problem to that–a big problem.
After having discussed my anger with over a dozen therapists, I’ve come to recognize patterns, and above all, I’ve found myself insulted for wanting to care about my family, and hold my mother, in particular, accountable. I’ve been dubbed bitter, unforgiving, and, most demeaning, “small-minded.”
I’m very sensitive to guilt, but I’ve been trying to convince my mother she’s wrong, as well as getting angry to an unresolved fight/flight cycle, which, being never completed, has led to a third state–freeze. To un-freeze, per the lit, and the notes from the that book by Dr. Heller at the bottom of this article, is to complete the aggression cycle–not via “mercy.”
Basically, I’m tired of confronting my mother on my own, and anticipate your active help in making my case–if she resists, I expect you to pass judgment on my mother, and on her willingness to listen–like me. As long as you’re not making it BLAME CLEAR I hold good reason to be angry, I’ll find it hard to trust you–full stop.
I’m trying to convince my mother she’s wrong–and you, my therapist, are going to help me do just that. One of the key things your predecessors have done wrong, friend therapist, is try to validate my feelings, outside the REASONS for them, as if they could be divided.
She may yet reject us, but that is okay–her unjust resistance–and faulty reasoning–shall be rebuked. I’ll need to grieve the rejection, but to do so, I expect support–loneliness is tiring.
As is, the only emotional support I’ve got is the online Non Violent Communication community, but they’re passive, not active. Beyond that, to actively aid me, as seems to be needed, there are legal hurdles preventing counselors and therapists from contacting others on behalf of their clients–but to further trust–and to further healing–we need to find a way around. I don’t know what they’d entail, maybe mediators, or something–but I need to feel helped, and not isolated, like I currently do.
Per the literature, I don’t feel anything because to do so might threaten my key relationships, but once I feel comfortable, again, I’ll start to express them, naturally, and that makes sense.
I should also be expressing what I’m willing to reciprocate with, if you cooperate. I’m prepared to make phone calls, and be rejected, contacting others, asking for aid ‘n assistance. How many do you want me to make, on my own, for your need to see that I’m not asking you to do my work, but instead, scaffold? Name your numbah.
It’s okay to disagree with me, but if so, then you’re fighting logic and conclusions, as well as my reasons for anger. If so, you’re trying to convince my reasoning is mistaken, and if you’re doing that, then be direct–we’re fighting over truth and where it lies–I care immensely.
Book Related to This Topic:
Pg. 18, par.2:
Pg. 100: Making bad decisions just to get by.
Pg. 122: Self-regulation.
Pg. 123 last part of first par.: Difficulty regulating.
Pg. 126: Attachment promotes attention, anxiety undermines.
Pg. 127: Focused on relat. but it’s not und.
Pg. 150: Cycle of escal. ejection.
Pg. 158: My family’s making me work at re-establishing cont.
Pg. 160: Can’t regulate.
Pg. 164: Pres. from present that cannot reg.
Pg. 166-167: Feeling resp. for mom’s states.
Pg. 168-169: Da whole family system.
Pg. 180-181: Hearing what he’s really saying.
Pg. 185: Counterwill.
Read all of Chapter 20.
Pg. 204, par. 3: Guided by others’ opinions, lack of will.
Pg. 207, par. 1: Don’t blur boundaries.
Pg. 222, par. 1: Control despair
Pg. 223, par. 2: The cause of all trouble.
Pg. 229-231: Read on Angus, Mom.
Pg. 235: Guilt.
Pg. 242: False self.
Pg. 248-249: Empathy vs. identification.
Pg. 252: We don’t feel like adults.
Pg. 261, par. 2: Negated existence.
Pg. 263, par. 1: Def. detachment.
Pg. 279: The “sorting-out process.”
Born to Rebel: Birth Order
Facebook Contacts: Ray Taylor, Patrick Schwarz
Key Facebook Post, Articulating what I seek:
What I’ve already tried. forgiveness
Why don’t you ask me if your counsel is like your predecessors? Don’t repeat them!
Don’t judge my motives.
What I’ve not done before…
Many different therapists
Help me complete the fight-flight response.
You can’t validate my feelings, without my logic–you simply cannot.
Actively help me engage my mother.
Legal issues on contact family members on behalf of therapists.
Direct help confronting.
Key Un-thawing Articles
Nice Youtube Video, starts in around the fifty-minute mark, on anger for about twenty, thirty minutes. Great stuff.
General information about it.
Good YouTube Video:
I totally agree on focusing what I can can control, and I can actually control quite a lot, per Scripture…
Pg. 8-9: Loss of support.
Pg. 9-10: Incomplete grief.
Pg. 64: I want things different.
Pg. 138: Forgive v. condone.
Pg. 150: I’m sorry we can’t agree on how to resolve this.