This Blog will Be a repository of all my knowledge, and understanding, to which I can refer to folks, so that I need not repeatedly explain myself, to shrinks and others. I’m currently trying to unthaw my emotions, a key symptom of trauma, and dissociation.
The following, is my current shrink spiel:
Hello; my name is Philip Carpenter, unemployed, thirty-eight years young, possessor of only Medicare/Medicaid for insurance, and I have Adult Developmental/Attachment Trauma symptoms, in the Connection Survival Style or, alternatively, Preoccupied Attachment. I want to do things, but in the past, I’ve been kicked off three college campuses, two job centers, and just floated through life in fear of panic attacks, and chronic fatigue.
Ideally, I want a NARM-esque, or “somatic-experiencing practitioner” of psychotherapy within the Puget Sound Region, but I’ve not found much, so far, and believe me, I’ve been looking–in the future, I really need to document all the deadends, just to make it easier on the folks like you I call on. I’ve been in therapy for eleven years, but it was only in the last four, five months I even learned I was coping with trauma. NARM’s model explains me best, though.
Dealing With Preoccupied (or Anxious) Attachment Trauma
As it says, here:
While many, trapped in anxiety, function excessively in the presence of others (which can be perceived by others as demanding), when alone they may find tasks difficult to complete. Sometimes, in the absence of constant reassurance, they find their motivation dissolved. They may recognize an absence of perceived selfhood when not in the presence of another.
That’s me. I’m currently devoting all my energies to get clinical help, but little on my other goals, given my motivation just tends to wither whenever I focus on fining a job, or something mundane, like that. I actually fear going to a job center, given I fear I’ll just meltdown under stress, and make a scene. I don’t need someone looking over my shoulder, but I do need to know someone is actively helping me, and that moves me to action. As is, most of the time, I think of taking action, and I just get weary.
In moments of interpersonal conflict, many of us switch to younger states. We disconnect from present-day resources, reacting not to partners but to parents. Even with adult partners, we return to perceptions, expectations, and strategies learned at an early age. We become the child in the empty room, feeling ourselves empty until it fills once again. Or we become the child playing in our room, safe, away from the needs or threats of others throughout the house, hoping no one comes to the door.
Yes. I know that my type is liable to strangle those helping me from drowning, but how to get enough help, for one on welfare, and from where? Most of all, I can’t find, or maintain–a routine, and the biggest reason for that lies in the following section:
Curing Emotional Numbness
Still more to the point, and the biggest problem I face, is a trauma symptom of various names, of which I wish had a book focusing on it, especially. It’s been dubbed apathy, anhehonia, alexithymia, being emotionally numb, emotionally frozen, “flatlining”–dissociated, learned helplessness, and, I’m sure, more. I just feel zero drive, or passion, but whatever you call it, I’ve never found a whole book on it; mostly, though, I feel unable to express any boundaries, or have them respected.
Look. I’m trying to find a counselor helping me with this in line with this book, Healing Developmental Trauma by Laurence Heller, progenito of the NARM style of therapy; of particular importance is Chapter 8, on page 125: Understanding the Connection Survival Style. In it, it discusses my trauma tendencies, and also their antidotes, but in particular, it brings up dissociation. I got so back in 2006-2007, in the cycle described, on pg 131–I sensed threat, had a “high arousal,” a “thwarted fight response,” dissociation, emotional numbing, a lot of acting in-out of aggression, and finally, “diminished aliveness.”
My exact experience is a little atypical, given the shutdown was in my twenties, not as a child, but adult experience of the Connection Survival Style is explained well on page 140. I want to get better, and here I’m showing my research, as well as a roadmap; shutdown’s not fun, but as this video shows, there is method to dealing with repressed anger, as it starts discussing, around the fifty-minute mark.
All my anger, and frustration, is bound up, basically, in relational difficulties, and that needs to be sorted out, which the book points out, in pages 150-151. In page 151, there’s a box entitled The Distortions of Healthy Aggression. Unmet core needs lead to frustration, leading to protest, followed by anger, which in turn becomes “overwhelming,” leading it to be either acted in or out.
Unlike most adults with the Connection Style, I know I’m angry, and not just a little but very. Healing for this comes in the form of channeling this anger into “healthy aggression,” which I’m trying to work on, though with little moral or therapeutic help, doing so.
Forgiveness, in context, is rude, because it isn’t an expression of aggression; it will only augment dissociation, do you see? Any therapist of mine must be prepared to focus primarily on unblocking my feelings, especially my anger, and on that, I won’t swerve.
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