Hello–my name is Philip Carpenter of Shelton, Washington–unemployed, thirty-eight years young, possessor of only Medicare/Medicaid for ProviderOne insurance, and I have Adult Developmental/Attachment Trauma symptoms, in the Connection Survival Style or, alternatively, Preoccupied Attachment. I want to do things, but in the past, I’ve been kicked off three college campuses, two job centers, and just floated through life in fear of panic attacks, and chronic fatigue, but I’ve mostly overcome them.
Still more to the point, and the biggest trauma symptom I face holds various names, of which I sincerely wish had a book just focusing on it, especially. It’s been dubbed apathy, feeling “shutdown,” anhedonia, being emotionally numb, emotionally frozen, “flatlining”–dissociated, learned helplessness, and, I’m sure, more. I just feel zero drive, or passion, but whatever you call it, I’ve never found a whole book on it; mostly, though, I feel unable to express any boundaries, let alone have them respected.
As explained elsewhere, it was a long journey to get here, but what concerns me more is moving on from it. But to do that, we must first describe what has already been tried, friend therapist, and that is much, but above all, I have been asked by your predecessors to “forgive,” and therein is a problem to that–a big problem.
After having discussed my anger with over a dozen therapists, I’ve come to recognize patterns, and above all, I’ve found myself insulted for wanting to care about my family, and hold my mother, in particular, accountable. I’ve been dubbed bitter, unforgiving, and, most demeaning, “small-minded.”
I’m very sensitive to guilt, but I’ve been trying to convince my mother she’s wrong, as well as getting angry to an unresolved fight/flight cycle, which, being never completed, has led to a third state–freeze. To un-freeze, per the lit, and the notes from the that book by Dr. Heller at the bottom of this article, is to complete the aggression cycle–not via “mercy.”
Basically, I’m tired of confronting my mother on my own, and anticipate your active help in making my case–if she resists, I expect you to pass judgment on my mother, and on her willingness to listen–like me. As long as you’re not making it BLAME CLEAR I hold good reason to be angry, I’ll find it hard to trust you–full stop.
I’m trying to convince my mother she’s wrong–and you, my therapist, are going to help me do just that. One of the key things your predecessors have done wrong, friend therapist, is try to validate my feelings, outside the REASONS for them, as if they could be divided.
She may yet reject us, but that is okay–her unjust resistance–and faulty reasoning–shall be rebuked. I’ll need to grieve the rejection, but to do so, I expect support–loneliness is tiring.
As is, the only emotional support I’ve got is the online Non Violent Communication community, but they’re passive, not active. Beyond that, to actively aid me, as seems to be needed, there are legal hurdles preventing counselors and therapists from contacting others on behalf of their clients–but to further trust–and to further healing–we need to find a way around. I don’t know what they’d entail, maybe mediators, or something–but I need to feel helped, and not isolated, like I currently do.
Per the literature, I don’t feel anything because to do so might threaten my key relationships, but once I feel comfortable, again, I’ll start to express them, naturally, and that makes sense.
I should also be expressing what I’m willing to reciprocate with, if you cooperate. I’m prepared to make phone calls, and be rejected, contacting others, asking for aid ‘n assistance. How many do you want me to make, on my own, for your need to see that I’m not asking you to do my work, but instead, scaffold? Name your numbah.
It’s okay to disagree with me, but if so, then you’re fighting logic and conclusions, as well as my reasons for anger. If so, you’re trying to convince my reasoning is mistaken, and if you’re doing that, then be direct–we’re fighting over truth and where it lies–I care immensely.
Book Related to This Topic:
Scattered by Gabor Mate, 1st US Edition
Pg. 18, par.2:
Pg. 100: Making bad decisions just to get by.
Pg. 122: Self-regulation.
Pg. 123 last part of first par.: Difficulty regulating.
Pg. 126: Attachment promotes attention, anxiety undermines.
Pg. 127: Focused on relat. but it’s not und.
Pg. 150: Cycle of escal. ejection.
Pg. 158: My family’s making me work at re-establishing cont.
Pg. 160: Can’t regulate.
Pg. 164: Pres. from present that cannot reg.
Pg. 166-167: Feeling resp. for mom’s states.
Pg. 168-169: Da whole family system.
Pg. 180-181: Hearing what he’s really saying.
Pg. 185: Counterwill.
Read all of Chapter 20.
Pg. 204, par. 3: Guided by others’ opinions, lack of will.
Pg. 207, par. 1: Don’t blur boundaries.
Pg. 222, par. 1: Control despair
Pg. 223, par. 2: The cause of all trouble.
Pg. 229-231: Read on Angus, Mom.
Pg. 235: Guilt.
Pg. 242: False self.
Pg. 248-249: Empathy vs. identification.
Pg. 252: We don’t feel like adults.
Pg. 261, par. 2: Negated existence.
Pg. 263, par. 1: Def. detachment.
Pg. 279: The “sorting-out process.”
Born to Rebel: Birth Order
Facebook Contacts: Ray Taylor, Patrick Schwarz
Key Facebook Post, Articulating what I seek:
What I’ve already tried. forgiveness
Why don’t you ask me if your counsel is like your predecessors? Don’t repeat them!
Don’t judge my motives.
What I’ve not done before…
Many different therapists
Help me complete the fight-flight response.
You can’t validate my feelings, without my logic–you simply cannot.
Actively help me engage my mother.
Legal issues on contact family members on behalf of therapists.
Direct help confronting.
Key Un-thawing Articles
Nice Youtube Video, starts in around the fifty-minute mark, on anger for about twenty, thirty minutes. Great stuff.
General information about it.
Page 81: Expect me to ask questions
Notes on Healing Developmental Trauma by Laurence Heller & Aline LaPierre
Notes on Why Therapy Works by Louis Cozolino
Key Facebook Correspondence:
Good YouTube Video:
I totally agree on focusing what I can can control, and I can actually control quite a lot, per Scripture…
The Grief Recovery Handbook by John W. James & Russell Friedman
Pg. 8-9: Loss of support.
Pg. 9-10: Incomplete grief.
Pg. 64: I want things different.
Pg. 138: Forgive v. condone.
Pg. 150: I’m sorry we can’t agree on how to resolve this.
Relevant Facebook Posts: