I keep wanting to set boundaries out of a desire to escape my emotional enmeshment to my family, lash out at least verbally, get criticized and told to forgive, collapse internally, get again aggravated by my enmeshed state, and the whole thing starts over.
I believe in duty, but it is such an obligation; I use Scripture offensively to get others to back off, but they don’t seem to understand that they’re attacking me for wanting to separate from my mother and family, AT ALL.
I’m trying to channel healthy aggression, but I seek help getting it validated…
What I want from others is that it is okay to be angry at my mother–I simply don’t see it! I’ve given a text of what it looks like to me, but others haven’t been very helpful, in validation…
Look. I’ve been trying to find a counselor in line with this book (how do I hyperlink…?: https://www.amazon.com/Healing-Developmental-Trauma-Self-Regulation-Relationship/dp/1583944893/ref=pd_rhf_dp_s_cp_2?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=1583944893&pd_rd_r=XGA6G4AX176VNA1E841J&pd_rd_w=JaWo6&pd_rd_wg=KRjPm&psc=1&refRID=XGA6G4AX176VNA1E841J
Of particular importance, is Chapter 8, on page 125: Understanding the Connection Survival Style. In it, it discusses my trauma tendencies, and also their antidotes, but in particular, it brings up dissociation. How did I get so dissociated, well, I did so back in 2006-2007, in the cycle described, on pg 131–I sensed threat,, had a “high arousal,” a “thwarted fight response,” dissociation, emotionl numbing, lot of acing in-out of aggression, and finally, “diminished aliveness.”
My exact experience is a little atypical, given the shutdown was in my twenties, not as a child, but adult experience of the Connection Survival Style is done well, on page 140. I’ve been called an “askhole,” on this forum, but I want to get better, and here I’m showing my research, and that I’m actually applying a roadmap; shutdown’s not fun, but as this video shows, there is method to dealing with repressed anger, as it starts discussing, around the fifty-minute mark:
All my anger, and frustration, is bound up, basically, in relational difficulties, and that needs to be sorted out, which the book points out, in pages 150-151. In page 151, there’s a box entitled The Distortions of Healthy Aggression. Unmet core needs lead to frustration, leading to protest, followed by anger, which in turn becomes “overwhelming,” leading it to be either acted in or out.
Unlike most adults with the Connection Style, I know I’m angry, and not just a little but very. Healing for this comes in the form of thanneling this anger into the form of healthy aggression,” which I’m trying to work on.
I’ve been accused of being inappropriate in my language, but please realize, I’m seeking to channel my aggression, healthily, and find vindication, and validation, in so doing. Trouble is, I’ve nound a lot of help, and wind up triggering others unintentionally, for which I apologize.
Forgiveness, in context, is rude, because it isn’t an expression of aggression; it will only augment dissociation, do you see? It isn’t about setting up boundaries, or anything.
I hope this clears the air.
I think I can be more forgiving with myself, if we can see my choice to demand my mother submit as loving, or whatever, not automatically unforgiving. I don’t see it as an act of unforgiveness, because I genuinely think it for her good, and would love if others would help convey this to her, as well as endorse this, for me.