My Action Plan

I write, in order to explain to any prospective therapist, what I’m expecting of you.  If you are going to assist, then, at a minimum, if you’re not willing, or able, to provide direct assistance, then I expect you to provide explicit moral support for my actions.

Really, what I’m now seeking is to engage my family by proxy, given direct interaction with them has failed, and now I’m sending a therapist, or someone else, to rapproche them on my behalf because, for one, I’m burned out.  I don’t think they’ll listen to me, so I’m sending someone else to risk rejection, and at this point am none too interested in being convinced to try again  myself, “but differently.”  I’ve already tried that, many times, and it hasn’t panned out.  If talking is too painful, well you distance yourself, then reengage–which I’m trying to do, non-reactively, and don’t want be blamed by the shrink if I fail; hey, I’ve failed already, and plenty–I’m not doing this to shirk blame.

Why this?  Well, as I’ve explained elsewhere upon this site, I am suffering Preoccupied Attachment Trauma, and, if I’m going to find any value at all in talk therapy, then I’m going to do so by finding moral support in taking action.  Attachment Trauma has led to dissociation, and in particular emotional numbness, and that in particular is what I’m seeking help overcoming.  I simply refuse to “forgive” my mother by rejecting myself to get accepted by her and others, only to not be truly accepted by them, even so; no I find it best to to accept myself at the expense of her’s, and others’ rejection.

I wish had a book focusing on numbness,. given how it’s been variously dubbed as  being emotionally frozen, emotionally numb, emotionally blunting, “flatlining”–dissociated, learned helplessness, apathy, represed anger, alexithymia, anhedonia, and, I’m sure, more.   I just feel zero drive, or passion, and a lack of endorphins, but whatever you call it, there’s very little literature, upon the subject.  Mostly, I feel unable to express any boundaries, or have them respected.

Most helpful though, was Healing Developmental Trauma by Laurence Heller, progenitor of NARM therapy.  Of particular importance is Chapter 8, on page 125:  Understanding the Connection Survival Style.  It discusses not just my trauma tendencies, but also their antidotes, but more pointedly, it brings up dissociation.  I went  numb back in 2006-2007, in the cycle described, on pg 131–I sensed threat, had a “high arousal,” a “thwarted fight response,” dissociation, emotional numbing, a lot of acting in-out of aggression, and finally, “diminished aliveness.”  Above all, you see, what has held me back, is I just don’t see any way forward, and that is what I seek help finding.

My exact experience is a little atypical, given the shutdown was in my twenties, not as a child, but the adult experience of the Connection Survival Style is explained well on page 140.  Shutdown’s no fun, but as this video shows, there is method to dealing with repressed anger, as it starts discussing, around its fifty-minute mark.

In page 151, there’s a box entitled The Distortions of Healthy Aggression; unmet core needs lead to frustration, leading to protest, followed by anger, which in turn becomes “overwhelming,”  leading it to be either acted in or out–hardly becoming a grown man, dare I say.

Healing for this comes in the form of channeling this anger into “healthy aggression,” which I’m trying to achieve, via moral/therapeutic help.  Any therapist of mine must be prepared to focus primarily on unblocking my feelings, especially my anger, and on that, I won’t swerve.

I’d try them first, but, given I’ve no NARMer near me, I’m just seeking a therapist willing to help me assert my “healthy aggression,” per Heller’s work.   I need an expert prepared to help re-associate me with my own emotions, and can particularly honor, and respect–my aggression.

Instead of unconsciously, or semi-consciously, trying to cycle through the loop, let’s channel my aggression explicitly, and in a thoughtful, disciplined manner.  People have asked me, “Philip, why don’t you just go on, and live your life?”

Well, lemme place it this way:  I want “revenge,” or whatever you wish to call it.  I intend to hold my mother accountable, and expect respect for my decision to do so.    I’m not  an excuse, and could use a witness to further my claims, more qualified and explicit the better.

I don’t expect her to acknowledge I’m right, but I’m going to confront her in a non-outcome-dependent manner, and hopefully, find escape from this moribund stasis that’s bedeviled me nigh a decade.   I’m going to crater her beliefs, because they’re wrong, just as a lot of other well-meaning folks, to boot.

You negotiate with enemies, and thus I shall treat my family–I also intend to ask for more than I’ll get, and am prepared to walk.  Beyond that, I’ve been told I’m seeking counselors to do “my job” for me, but intstead, I’m seeking scaffolding aid from counselors, per the literature on developmental and attachment trauma.

Hopefully, what I say makes sense;  with my family, I’ll take a siege, if nothing else.  You could, ideally, make, say, three phone calls on my behalf a week to various parties, back up my claims; otherwise, you will need to be far more explicit in recognizing my claims.

Beyond that, therapists are primarily bound by the contours of HIPPA legislation, which makes it hard for therapists to contact others, or act as agents, or something akin to it, for their clients.  I don’t know a way around this, but for the sake of my well being, I’m looking, maybe in the form of a mediator, or someone else–someone not bound by it, or else some loophole therein the law itself.

Any case, this is my method to mental health; I expect aid of others, to see if it works, involving social support and encouragement, per the best understanding of psychiatry today, and am quite anxious to see if my way doesn’t just succeed.

Shrinks, many times, you have asked me to “forgive” my mother, but If you wish me to forgive her, then rebuke her, if you truly think her wrong!  Asking me to “forgive” implies wrong doing on her part, but that just doesn’t register on my ricter as validation, or, alternatively, deal with what my anger is pointing to.  It needs to be more direct, basically–NO lip service to fury.

…….

I don’t expect you to do my job, but I do expect you to scaffold.

I can channel aggression into negotiation.

What I’ve asked, in the past; roadblocks.

The trouble with HIPPA.

I.  What I want.

On anger.

II.

Bring meditation to my mother–this is war!  Non-outcome determination.

I expect rejection!

Refusal to help hurts.

if you be on my side, then share my pains…

What I want someone to say…

What’d you hear me say…?

What’d you hear me say…?

You’re validating me, and my logic–key to handling trauma.

The only way I can see effort.from you.

I need a mediator or a mouthpiece negotiator an advocate.

You negotiate with enemies, and thus treat the family–I also intend to ask for more than I’ll get and am prepared to walk.

I don’t expect you to do my job, but I do expect you to scaffold.

I can channel aggression into negotiation.

No, I don’t expect you to do my job, but you do your job.

I’ll take a siege.  I’m looking to see effort from you mom.When I say “distrust” I mean that Greg may have fallen short  did he reject the rigors of the gold standard for floating point? I’m gonna have fun hurting her.  Deem my aggression as service.  Forgiveness  isn’t helpful.  Help me channel my aggression, and I’ll cooperate.

You want me to volunteer?  roleplay mother and counselors.

Advertisements

Author: Noitartst

You wanna know about me? Oh, I think, write, and fury. I'd say that about covers it.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s