Grief Recovery, Misc.

Boundaries

  1.  Incidents. Me trying to enforce “shut up.”  My allowing myself to be indoctrinated, I suppose.

2.  What line was crossed?  Simply put, my authority.  I am not an excuse, and refuse to be so treated.

3.  Draw the line.  Find a witness to my authority, and prerogative.

4.  Practice.  Working upon it…

 

Family  expectations:

Keep your words, don’t be lazy, sloppy, or the like.
Follow our our rules for conflict resolution.
Obey authority.

Full stop.

Paper on Healing Repressed Anger

Following this article.

  1.  What happened:  Okay, I was lied to.  They betrayed my duty, dishonored my authority, and the like.  My family taught me to BE something, a conservative fundamentalist Christian, to wit–and they chopped the legs out from under me.  My  NARM aggression response, to use Dr. Laurence Heller’s term, was to hold them accountable, and I still am, but I am finding little support still, be they Non Violent Communicators, me using Non Violent Communication towards them, or the like.
  2. Who did it:  Like I said, my family started it, specifically Chris, and my mother, but others have perpetuated.  My boundaries, my authority–they didn’t help me hold my family accountable, and I expect its recognition.  Mom was a coward, Chris too, but what mom did making orders she did not enforce, over “shut up”–that was the back-breaker.3.  Opinions.  I think there wasn’t much logic in what my family did, but very much knee-jerk.  Today, I am angry over shrinks of all varieties, be they pastors, counselors, therapists, psychiatrists, psychologists, whatever–that they refuse, one way or another–to assist with my aggression response against my family, specifically mom and Chris–to bring closure.

I intend to enforce my boundaries, and make no apologies, so doing, and unprocessed “anger” strikes me as just a convenient cop out, to deny validating me.

I’m especially furious with all who have failed to help me resolve this via supporting my aggression response.

All anger aside, I have a right/duty to hold my mother accountable,  and refuse to forego it, and why should I?  I’ve never found a reason to, and that is the truth.  NVCers have failed to empathize with–or validate–my authority, and I really don’t get why.

Every time I express my claim, I really don’t get good results, but I don’t see any good reason not to run over my family’s boundaries, given what is at stake, and I have right of way.

I do not get what the sticking point is.  To let go with is to say that it is wrong to EVER be forceful, and I simply do no see that.  To forgive is to say that I have no rights, NO boundaries, and do not deserve any.

Ergo, to forgive is kick myself in the teeth, and acknowledge that I am a worm.  I am fighting for principle, though, and can’t see otherwise.

Maybe I should describe my boundaries, and their boundaries, per my understanding , simply give no right to ignore my authority.

4.  Cost.  I lost a lot of trust, both in myself, and others.  I’ve fought this with my family in large part on principle, and if not entirely on principle, then for as much as it is, I refuse to have it disrespected.  NVCers cannot advocate violence, but there is no clear dividing line between me, and my family, and without any ownership of who or what I am, I cannot move, but drift.

I have a collapsed parasympathetic nervous system, and got that in the name of “mercy.”  I didn’t want to hurt my family, but all efforts to communicate nonviolently haven’t worked, so far, and it seems I’ve wasted quite a lot of time, energy, and money on a failed cause.

I just want understanding; I haven’t found much.  I haven’t given up on duty or self-sacrifice, but I sometimes wish I had.  Given my hangups, yes, they caused, or allowed me to learn of focus on things I otherwise would not, but I count that minimal.  Sacrifice, if worth itself, is the reward itself, and I regret it not.  I believe in giving, even if unrequited.

5.  I intend to deny my mother communion; it fits worthily as aggression, and striking a toy seems unfair. I strike my apartment enough, as is.

6.  N.A.

7.  Trying to.

 

Relationship Graphs

Closure Letter Guidelines

1.Apologies

2.  Forgiveness

3.  Significant Emotional Statement

Mom

Spanking, punishment

Reading, teaching, training

1989 Ring; leadership weakness, hospital

Puzzles, library

MCCS

1990 Pressure

Family trips

1991 Start of genuine strain

1993 “Shutup”

1994 Hungup

1995 Ongoing aggravation

1998 Harlock

1999 Deffingbaughs, party reneging.

2001 College

2003 “Shutup” reprise

2004  Graduation

2005 Useless; intensification

2006  Left

2007  Return to take care of Grandma, along with “forgiving,” followed by numbness.

2009  Funeral

2012  Leading to her.

2013  Nursery

2013  Reunion Trips

2017 Ignored.

To Mom

I apologize for being a dead weight at get-togethers.

I apologize for being contrary and manipulative.

i apologize for calling you a “bitch.”

I apologize for dropping Chris.

I apologize for being a bad leader.

i apologize for my tantrums, and immaturity.

I apologize blaming youfor things that were not yer fault.

I apologize for putting you on the spot.

i apologize for being a wretched elder son.

I apologize for being so inflexible, and embarrassing the family.

I forgive you for your bad leaderhsip.

I forgive you for repeated betrayals.

I forgive you for making ordersyou didn’t enforce, like “shutup.”

I forgive you for lying or whatever over Harlock.I forgive you for reneging over the Deffinbaughs.

I forgive you for being a bitch.

I forgive your irrational stubbornnness.

I forgive you for not talking to a therapist.

 

I love your dedication to teaching, and self-sacrifice.

I was touched by your college send-off.

I’ve enjoyed our reunion adventures.

I enjoy you.

Thank you for the MCCS experience.

Fighting over “shut up” is all about establishing control, within my life: that is a gol I have staked both my honor, and self-respect for.

…………………………….

Mom, I choose to strike you down–not because I hate you, but because I care, and care about myself, as well as you.  I do this to free myself of guilt  ‘n shame, as well as you.  God bless you.  I may hurt you, but even so, you are free, and I am free–amen!

What I can control is going to see my family.  I can also forgive, or I can also press charges, and the latter is what I CHOOSE to do…

Chris

I apologize for being such a jerk; I’m hard to live with.

I apologize for dropping you.

I apologize for being a bad elder brother.

I apologize for egging you on via Braves, Cowboys.

I forgive you for lying; I forgive you for hurting mom.

I forgive your cowardice, as well as your distrust of me.

I forgive you for “just not getting it.”

I don’t hate you; I truly love you.

I deeply regret dropping yas, and also kicking Jan, that time.

I wish I’d been a better brother to you.

I like watching you play Nintendo.

I really DO want a better relationship.

 

1981  I dropped him.

Fights

1987 “Stop crying.”

Board Games

1989  Coudn’t get help from Mom.

1991, World series, shoe.

1993 “Shutup”

Nintendo

1994-1998  More fights, ongoing tension.

1998  Make up after a really LARGE fight.

2002 Handshake on the stairs.

2003  He reneges.

2005 Scene at Grandma’s

His walk-in.

2006 Jan’s wedding; she leaves.

2012 Rebecca

2013  Nursery

2015  Playing games as Vic’s

Showing things to Alisha on the Internet

2016  Spiderman

 

Forgive:  “To cease feeling resentment against an offender.”

Condone:  “To treat as if trivial, harmless, or of no importance.”

Grief History

1984 (circa)  Lost balloon.

1986  Dad’s appendicitis

1987  Dad dies.

1988  Leave Portland

1989  Street corner embarrassment

1991  Dodgers lose pennant race.

1992  Isolation sinks in; lonely.

1993  Start of betrayal with mother.

1994  Hung-up on.

1995  Started seeking distractions.

2001  Grandpa dies.  

2003  Chris

2005  Couldn’t find help.

2006  Crescendo

2007  Numbness

2009  Grandma

2012  Uncle Troubles with Rebecca

2013  Nursery; showing things to Alisha on the Internet

2016  Spiderman

2017  Fully on the outs, with everyone.

Anger Notes (6/11/2017)

I’m angry over how I was raised in my teens.

I’m angry that nobody helped.

I’m angry that Chris wasn’t punished. 3

I’m angry that I haven’t been heard by my family.

I’m angry about what Glen, Ryan, and others did.

Victor’s starting to ANNOY me.

I feel hemmed in, and frustrated.7

I don’t like being lied to by mom, Chris.

i’m angered by those that don’t keep their word.9

Lack of reliability in others angers me.

Grandma ticked me off. 11

I didn’t like how that cop kicked me off Evergreen.

My authority wasn’t validated.  That angers…

I dislike sloppy logic.14

I want genuine engagement with my questions.

“Mercy”=whitewash, or seems to be.

Pressure to legitimize the sins of others is infuriating.17

I refuse to apologize for being angry over good reasons.

Effectively, I had the right to press charges.19

I’ve kept my word, and got blindsided; I don’t want that to happen again.20

……………………………………..

I wanna be encouraged every time I take risks getting what I want.

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Author: Noitartst

You wanna know about me? Oh, I think, write, and fury. I'd say that about covers it.

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